Brenda Lee Drake is hosting the Can You Hook a Teen? Blogfest this week. It runs through tomorrow, so if you'd like to enter, there's still time! The idea behind the blogfest is to get a teen opinion on the first 250 words of your manuscript. There are prizes involved, and it's also a great way to read other people's work and get additional feedback on your own.
Here are the first 250 words of my manuscript, a YA fantasy novel:
They were getting darker. The whorls and lines that covered Faron’s torso were
now the light brown of field mouse fur. They would certainly be visible to
anyone who saw him without his shirt. Faron scooped a handful of water from the
stream, scrubbing it over a patch of skin on his stomach. He knew it was futile,
but it was habit at this point. He still clung to the hope that they would prove
to just be dirt after all, rather than permanent markings.
Faron knelt on
the stream’s grassy bank, running the cool water over his head as he tried to
remember when he’d last bathed. He’d been on the move for days, choosing
continuous motion over rest. He knew he wouldn’t sleep anyway. His ghosts would
be waiting for him. Instead, he moved ever forward, hoping to reach the market
in Terra before the other clans moved on.
He knew his future was bleak. As
far as he could tell, he had two options. He could either choose to remain with
the Fanai society by marrying into another clan, or he could leave the only
culture he’d ever known and be an outcast. Neither prospect was overly appealing
for an eighteen-year-old. He wished his father were there, or his mother. They
had always given advice and guidance when it was needed. But much as he might
wish for them, this was a decision he would have to make on his own.
I don't think I need to say it, but just to be on the safe side, all these words are mine. Please don't steal them! But feel free to tell me what you think in the comments. :)
J
Oh, I'm curious to know what's up with the marks and why does he want them to wash away - great hook. I'm hoping he chooses the later because it would make for a better story *wink*. Great opening and good luck with the contest! <3
ReplyDeleteI'm interested. I really want to know what the markings are, and kind of learn the premise of this world that you've started to decorate. Definitely keep up this voice, style, and flow. It's nice to get some description, what he is thinking about, while not going overly heavy with what the world is like.
ReplyDeleteWhat I mean is, you have nailed this opening between thoughts, developing character, and describing the world without being overly heavy. It's great - and I hope that this flow continues throughout your longer work!
That's great! I'm really interested in the markings, and also the reason his future is so bleak. Good job :)
ReplyDeleteGreetings from a fellow Fantasy group campaigner!
ReplyDeleteI'm no teen, but you hooked me. I don't believe that the hook has to be in the first 250 words of a book, but your excerpt does a nice job of making me want to read more.
Thanks for sharing.
One Teen's Opinion:
ReplyDeleteAs others have said, the lines were a great hook. I want to know what they are. Are they the reason he was exiled(?) from his tribe? And if so, how would marrying into another tribe remedy the situation? How did he get the lines? Curse, Disease, some consequence of his own stupidity? It's interesting...
I think this is a promising start, but I also think you might be able to go a little deeper into the POV? I mean, there's a lot of 'he knew' and 'he could', etc. I'd almost say the way he talks about his parents, and society, and stuff bordered on the verge of Telling, rather than Showing... Is there a way to incorporate the information more smoothly into the action? Maybe a little more gradually? I mean, when you consider that this is just the first 250 words, we've been given a lot of information to absorb. *shrug*
Other than that - which is just my opinion, anyway - I thought it was good. ^^ Nice job!
Hey there! Thoughts as I go:
ReplyDeleteThey were getting darker. The whorls and lines that covered Faron’s torso were now the light brown of field mouse fur. ((((My immediate thoughts: This is a VERY passive beginning. I know you can find stronger verbs than 'were'!)))) They would certainly be visible to anyone who saw him without his shirt. Faron scooped a handful of water from the stream, scrubbing it over a patch of skin on his stomach. He knew it was futile, but it was habit at this point. ((((More mild passivity. Careful.)))) He still clung to the hope that they would prove to just be dirt after all, rather than permanent markings.
Faron knelt on the stream’s grassy bank, running the cool water over his head as he tried to remember when he’d last bathed. (((This last sentence tripped me up a little - the last clause feels like it needs to be broken up. You could probably show more than tell in this instance: "...running the cool water over his head. When had he last bathed? He couldn't even remember..." or something))) He’d been on the move for days, choosing continuous motion over rest. He knew he wouldn’t sleep anyway. His ghosts would be waiting for him. Instead, he moved ever forward, hoping to reach the market in Terra before the other clans moved on.
He knew his future was bleak. ((((This is too close to "He knew he wouldn't sleep anyway" for comfort.)))) As far as he could tell, he had two options. He could either choose to remain with the Fanai society by marrying into another clan, or he could leave the only culture he’d ever known and be an outcast. Neither prospect was overly appealing for an eighteen-year-old. He wished his father were there, or his mother. They had always given advice and guidance when it was needed. ((((small passive on "when it was needed"; "when he'd needed it" is an easy replacement and you lose nothing.)))) But much as he might wish for them, this was a decision he would have to make on his own.
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The last paragraph is a little too close to info-dump for my personal taste, but it's very smoothly incorporated into his actions. Nice job! =]
Yeah you did a good job with this. I agree with the above comments. I want to know what's up with the marks, why he feels he needs to scrub them off, etc. You've got great hooks here.
ReplyDeleteNice job. I know how scary it is to post excerpts of your novel online, so well done. The name Faron is excellent for this character. I like the first two paragraphs and was looking for more of that in the third. Good luck.
ReplyDeleteThis is definitely one my favourites :)
ReplyDelete...I loved your first two paragraphs, but the third felt a little vague, yet info-dumpy to me.
Part of the vagueness was the line, "He knew his future was bleak." because it really doesn't give any information... it feels like you're trying to make the reader feel sorry/worried for him, but since we don't have any information yet, it's like the line is coming too soon... does that make sense? Another part of the vagueness was the line about leaving his "culture"... and I think that's primarily because I don't think a culture can really be left because it's not a physical thing... so I don't really understand what you mean by it...
The info-dumpy feeling is because there's a lot of world-building and info about Faron's history crammed in there.
Silent Pages made a good point about possibly getting a little deeper into his POV... it did feel a little distant, but I wasn't sure how to explain it, so thankfully you have someone much smarter than me commenting :)
...I want to read more!!!
Hi J! I liked it, straight and to the point. You have set up a clear conflict. I want to hear more about these crazy markings, and its nice to see an escape from a forced marriage on the boy's side for once! I would agree though that it is a little distant, almost like someone else is listing his problems, not that he's thinking about them. Riley and Silent Pages nailed the specifics.
ReplyDeleteGood Luck!
http://swiftscribbler.weebly.com/the-swift-scribbler.html
I think your writing is well written and engaging. I do like the idea of the marks and wonder what they are.
ReplyDeleteMy criticism leans more toward questioning if this is the strongest start you could make. It's introspective (telling instead of showing). He's at a stream rubbing water on himself. I'm sure there's another scenario you can put him in that shows (not tells) us he's at a crossroads.
Specific thoughts: I didn't like the comparison of the colors of the marks to field mice. It made me think that he was turning in to one. :P But maybe that's me. ha.