Tuesday, February 21, 2012

the garden

this post is for the first challenge in the fourth platform building campaign. my piece satisfies all the requirements (it's exactly 200 words, the beginning and ending phrases were used, it contains the word "orange," and it's written in my normal genre), but i'll be posting it with capital letters, mainly because it's being judged and i don't want to cause any confusion for judges who may not follow this blog. so...enjoy!

Shadows crept across the wall of the garden. Alani saw them in her peripheral vision and cursed. Without the moon, a torch was necessary in the black shroud of night. But if the shadows caught her eye, they would surely draw the attention of anyone who glanced into the garden. The torch had to go.
                Alani gave her eyes a few moments to adjust to the dim starlight before heaving herself up and over the stone wall. She landed with a soft thud, rose to her feet, and surveyed the garden.
                The orange tree stood in the center, its leaves rustling in the breeze. It seemed to be whispering to her. Alani wasn’t sure what was so special about these particular oranges, but the man in the tavern had promised a rich reward if she could pilfer a few.
                As she crept closer to the tree, the sweet scent of citrus gripped her. The aroma was intoxicating, and she quickened her pace, desperate to reach the fruit. She snatched an orange from a lower bough. Her fingernails shredded the peel, baring the juicy flesh within. Alani lifted the fruit to her mouth. As the orange touched her tongue, everything faded.


if you enjoyed my piece, you can "like" it here. i'm number 120. :)



ps: i found this song on an old mix cd the other day, and have fallen in love with it all over again. don't you love it when that happens? happy listening!

 

28 comments:

  1. that was really well done! I liked it
    come visit at #103

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  2. That must have been a really great orange! Well done!

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  3. "The orange tree stood in the center, its leaves rustling in the breeze. It seemed to be whispering to her." I can't get over how much I LOVE this line. Great job!!

    I'm entry #19

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  4. Jess! This is great!!! Voting for you :)

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  5. Beautiful imagery and the use of 'orange'! Well done!

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  6. Great job. I'm left wondering about her fate after eating the orange. :)

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  7. Unfortunately, I'm not participating this time, but it's well done. And the best one I've read, which isn't saying a lot, since I think I've read three so far on the blogs I follow, including yours. But still...

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    1. Haha thanks, Andrew! I always love the self-esteem boost I get from your comments. :P

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  8. Very nice story as it leaves us wanting to know more. (#91)

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  9. It sure is refreshing to see your writing again. "but the man in the tavern had promised a rich reward if she could pilfer a few." It's passages like that that keep me reading. Nice one! :)

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    1. Thank you, thank you! :D Hopefully there will be more writing in the future...

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  10. Oooh! That orange sounded so yummy! You had great descriptions and really good imagery!! Nice job!

    I'm #37

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  11. Really liked it, a great use of all of the senses. Really makes me want to eat an orange!

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  12. I've never wanted an orange so much in my life :) Love your story J!

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  13. Great job with description! I can literally taste that orange!

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  14. ooooh, poison oranges? How fun!

    Yes, I'm morbid . . .

    I'm in the fantasy group at the campaign as well, just stopping by to say hi!

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    1. Hi Rebekah! Thanks for following me on Twitter too! I'm off to follow your blog now... :)

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  15. Nothing like a good temptation of "forbidden fruit" story! LOL! You wrote it so well! Off to vote for you :-) I'm #61.

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  16. Yeah, I was totally all like forbidden fruit, but now I'm like poisoned fruit?! Great job!

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    1. You might be one of the only people to figure out that the orange killed her in the end. Yay Ashley! :D

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  17. I love this, an original take on the theme. Nice one :-)

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  18. I swear I could smell the orange tree. Great job. Cool song too. Mine is #71

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  19. I love this - it has a garden of eden feel to it! Awesome imagery!

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  20. Very interesting - I could really smell the oranges too, that was well described. Daisy pilfered my comment - it reminded me of the Garden of Eden too. Very atmospheric!

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  21. Good job. I wonder what's so special about the oranges?

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  22. Gorgeous. I, too, made the "orange" into an orange. Thumbs up for you over at Rachael's!

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  23. Nice entry. You get a vote from me. = )

    I'm #149
    melissamaygrove.blogspot.com

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Now that you took the time to read my message, let's see what you have to say! Unless it's mean...then you can just keep it to yourself. :)